The Love Me Or Die

In The Shadow Of The Jungle I Feel The Heat!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlmsK59ncHs

“So, this is your fourth show today?”

“Yeah,” a woman was applying makeup to my face while another held one of those cute mini-microphones to my mouth. “But this is my 18th this week, and I have six more.”

The interviewer paused and gogged at the camera in shock. “How old are you? Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”

I smile a little slow. So many people ask me about school and how old I am. “Fifteen…” 

“See how she answers slowly?”

I laughed. I was a bit nervous. 

“I have a tutor come around with me and I take courses online.”

“Don’t you miss your friends?”

I miss my friends a lot, but to be honest, I’m having a lot of fun and I’m not thinking about them a lot. A lot of the other models have become my friends. Some of them are really nice and really funny, but some of them are a bit mean. 

“Yeah, we have a messaging group and I get them to come to New York when I’m back in town.”

“You know, you don’t seem 15,”

Laurence O’Geary, the designer of Geary, interrupts. He really likes me, I think. He’s asked me personally to do his campaigns. He says I am the coquette image he has always pictured - that I’m innocent but not proud of it or clinging to it, that I’m fun, that I’m kind, that I’m pure-hearted. I really like him, too. His boyfriend is a bit rude sometimes, but I think that’s just because he’s kind of mean. I usually find it funny. 

“She’s not just fifteen, she’s 21, she’s 35, she’s 47, she’s a newborn, she’s on her deathbed - she’s every woman!” 

I laugh. 

“What a laugh! No? So perfect!”

I blush. 

“She’s shy,” he’s got his arm around my shoulder. He leans into my ear, so the interviewer cannot hear, and asks if I’m being bothered. I bite onto the nail of my thumb and shake my head no after a pause, I don’t want my answer on camera! He pats my cheek and walks off. He tells me to call him over if they bother me. 

Nobody interviewing me has ever bothered me. Sometimes they ask questions that are weird or are repetitive, but they can’t know that five other people have already asked the same question, so it’s ok. 

“How do you keep up with school?”

“I really like math. I think when I’m done being a model I’ll go to school and I’ll study math. I don’t know what I want to do with it, I just think it would be cool to know about.”

“A model who likes math?” 

I shrug. I guess. I don’t really know what that means. Maybe, I guess, people think models are dumb. I find they’ve been really sensitive and nice. 

“You must be busy!”

“Right now, yeah, super busy! So super busy. There’s another show I go to right after I finish one show, then there’s another show, then we go to dinner, then we go to a party, then we go to a meeting.”

“Wow, that’s really late.”

“Yeah, but it’s not bad.”

The interviewer, a girl in her 20s, I think, looks really concerned. 

“Are you sure you’re ok? You’re really young to be going to parties and stuff. Are you with your mom or something?”

“No, but honestly, I’ve never met anyone that bad.”

“Hey, you can tell me, and we can cut this part of the interview - do they ever get you to drink? Or smoke? Or do any drugs? Do they do that stuff around you?”

They do, honestly. But I haven’t really drank. Maybe a bit of wine or something, but I don’t like the taste. Smoke smells bad and makes me cough, and I’ve never tried weed. Cocaine scares me. I tell her I don’t really get pressured. I like to go to parties because the music is so good and it’s so fun to dance! 

She asks again if I’m sure I’m ok. I say I am. She gets back into interview mode. 

“So, have you had your eye on any boys?” 

“No… I have a boyfriend back home,” I show her my phone background. His name is Tanner. We are a good looking couple I think, partly because my skin is really dark and his is really pale. He has really blue eyes and I have really black eyes. He’s really, really nice. We like to talk about a whole bunch of stuff, but especially science. He’s really good at science. But most of all, he’s really kind - to everyone. 

“His name is Tanner? Actually? That’s hysterical. Look…” she points the camera to him. “He’s a lucky guy! How do you make time for him?” 

I shrug. We call a lot!!! 

____

I’m really excited for NYFW to be over. In an hour, I’m walking for Miu Miu. I’m opening for them! It’s a big deal to everyone that I have walked a lot of shows, but I don’t really know what it means. I don’t get to keep a lot of the clothes I wear, unless the designers like me. I like the seamstresses, they’re usually nice, older women. Some of the girls from my old school are really mean to me about my modelling - they’re always saying I’m not that pretty or I’m too skinny or something. I don’t think about it much, though. I’m having a lot of fun. I like going to photo shoots because I can be as silly as I want. Sometimes they want me to be really serious, but in my head, I’m laughing. I get to meet a whole bunch of people who are really clever and nice. 

I think a lot of people get… I don’t want to say… It sounds very arrogant. But, ok. I’ll say it. I think a lot of people get jealous because I get to travel a lot. I got to go to Paris - FOR FREE! And I got a really good hotel, they had a whole bunch of French chocolates in the fridge and I got to eat croissants. It was so yummy. I think people around the world like working with me because I’m really friendly and I don’t put up much of a fuss. I got to go to Milan, Paris, London, Tokyo, Amsterdam, Berlin, Cannes, Barcelona, Rome. More places, but I can’t remember right now. It’s really fun but also kind of sad. I don’t get to see much of these places because I’m working a lot. I really wanted to see the Eiffel Tower, but I got really busy and they drove me to a studio on the other side of Paris. I could only see it in the distance, through the fog. It looked so small, but even against the wall of grey, even battling the might of the great Parisian sky, it was incredible. It had a lot of presence. That is something Laurence taught me about - having presence. He says it’s more important than being beautiful or smart. The Eiffel Tower has so much presence, that even in a moving cab on a foggy day from 10 miles away, you feel it. 

Still, it would have been better closer. The most fun thing about Paris are the Parissiennes (I don’t know how to spell it!) teaching me french! Aujourdui! Comme ci Comme Cà! When you want to say something is in the past, you say the verb with an EZ at the end. Je regarde - to Je REGARDEZ. Je mange - to je MANGEZ. I learned a lot - they even said if I stayed in Paris I could probably speak French in three months. That would be really cool. 

_____

I have another photoshoot in Louisiana, close to New Orleans tomorrow. I’m really excited. They have a bunch of good music - I really like the movie The Princess and The Frog. I like the music and the jazz. Did you know - for funerals in New Orleans, they have big parties in the street, a bunch of people come out and play saxophones and trumpets and stuff? It’s a celebration of life! I would like to have my funeral like that, but it would be too bad, because I wouldn’t be there to hear it. 

_____

The photoshoot I had today was outside of New Orleans. I feel really weird. I don’t know. I think something is under my skin. Maybe I have a leech. I feel like my skin is trying to shed, or something, but it’s all over. I feel really sick. I feel like I ate something really bad. Everyone says I look fine. I don’t think anyone believes I’m sick. I have another photoshoot here, tomorrow, but I don’t want to go. 

I don’t want to be mean: there was a man working here I really do not like. It felt like his head wasn’t on his neck, it seemed like one of those scary stories you tell your friends, the girl with the ribbon on her neck that keeps her head on. I didn’t like making eye contact with him. It looked like there were too many teeth in his mouth. 

He was supposed to do my hair. Most of the time, they’re gentle, but not so much to prevent them from actually doing my hair. It seemed more like this guy - I don’t like to say his name. He spoke in a very weird cadence, like he had to put a lot of thought into the words, like he didn’t speak any language as a first language. I don’t like to talk about him, but I think it’s important to say what happened. He was brushing my hair and it was so delicate and he was looking at my hair with such intensity. He said I was very beautiful and had very beautiful hair, very thick and perfect curls. He asked if he could do my makeup, but it was just done, and I was confused. He touched my cheek with the back of his hand. I really didn’t like it. 

My mom and agent always warned me about creeps but I had never encountered anyone who was bad. Everyone who seemed bad, I was only around for five or ten minutes, anyways. Most people are good, I think. It felt like this guy, by his own moral ruling, couldn’t leave me alone. He said the makeup was really good, but the skin and the eyes were better. 

He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said I did and said that Tanner and I were going to go to college together. He made a comment - I can’t remember what he said exactly, I have a headache. He made a comment - something like “oh, so he’s your age?” I couldn’t tell how old this man was. Maybe 30, maybe 60. I said he was a year older than me. He said that young boys didn’t know what they were doing, that they didn’t have much money, that they didn’t know anything. He said older men took care of girls like me much better. I said Tanner and I don’t take care of each other, we just care for each other. We are happy together. 

He shook his head and said one day I would need someone to care for me. I just didn’t reply. I started to text my friends. He did my hair, but it took a long time. 

At the end of the shoot, he said he would wash my hair. He took a long time doing it and looked at me a lot while washing my hair. There was another girl in the room, but she was on her phone. I just closed my eyes. He hummed to me some song, I don’t remember. He said I should consider other boys before settling down, other men. I said I didn’t know, I liked Tanner. I didn’t want to break up. The girl looked up from her phone, then. 

____

I went back for another day. He did my hair again, but today, I had to tell on him. He was being very forward about his affection for me. I don’t think I am going to write what he said because I think it’s best if I forget it. I don’t want to put it somewhere where it will be forever. It’s best if these things stay in the air and we can later convince ourselves that the missteps of memory make us remember things in funny shapes, different from how they happened. 

He was very insistent, he grabbed me, he grabbed my hair, even. He pulled out some of my hair, not a lot, but I felt that sharp ouch! You get when someone pulls your hair. He never yelled, or screamed, but he begged for me with an intensity I’ve only seen in animals on the hunt in documentaries. He tore a bit of my shirt and clung to it. 

I feel weird - weirder than yesterday, like my organs have become polluted or something. I was in the swamp and I got caught on some kind of a stick and it cut me. The shirt clung to the blood. The photographer thought it looked cool. It didn’t hurt that much, but the guy tore that part of the sleeve and kept it, I think. 

Everyone on set went out for dinner, but I wasn’t hungry. There was a lot of people speaking a funny kind of French, but I didn’t feel like talking. 

___

I’m back in NYC now. I’m so happy to be back home. I have three girls who live in my apartment with me - the oldest one is 20. She’s so funny. She has a new boyfriend every week - but she never sleeps with them! She thinks that she deserves a billionaire. I think she’s right. She’s so funny and so pretty and really smart. All the girls here are really great. I have been feeling sick since I left NOLA - that’s what they call it, I learned. I think it’s because I ate some soup - they call it gumbo - even though I wasn’t really hungry. I haven’t been really hungry since I left. I feel tired but I think it’s because of all the planes.

We watched When Harry Met Sally the night I came back. They made so much popcorn. It was supposed to be really yummy, but to me, it tasted kind of fuzzy, like there was hair on the popcorn. I didn’t really care, though. I really liked that movie! 

____

I was only in New York for a week, but a director of a movie called me to be in something. It might be on Netflix! I had to audition in Chicago. I had a lot of fun with the casting directors, I always try to have as much fun as possible. Honestly, though, maybe people are right, and I’m too young. I am really tired. It’s frustrating though, all my friends do dance and cross country and play instruments. They’re working as much as me! Tanner does football and baseball and he’s a part of two academic clubs and he has Spanish and piano lessons. Why have I been so tired? I feel really bad about myself. I’ve felt kind of sick for a week and a half now. 

Chicago is nice. I wasn’t much in the mood to go out. I haven’t really been very hungry. There’s a woman who’s in the AirBNB I’m in - it’s her house - and she’s really nice, she makes a bunch of Southern food - her family is from the South. I wish I could like it - and I don’t want to say her food is bad, but all of it tastes fuzzy. She just laughed and said it was no wonder why I was so skinny and my eyes were so sunken in, that I ate like a bird. I don’t know what she meant - my eyes are very prominent. They have always said that about me.

____ 

The AirBNB lady made a really cool breakfast for me - waffles with fried chicken! I think it tasted good, but my tongue is getting weird. I think it’s turning yellow. She said it looked like I was a madicho. I didn’t know what that meant. She said there was an old disease that only came over people in the South and these people were called madichos. They got yellow eyes and lost their sense of taste. Their palms became yellow and they lost strength. It’s only in the South because there were apparently parasites in the warm water that caused madicho - but I don’t remember exactly. She said that the lore said that it wasn’t a disease but a type of curse, that the slaves that came over from Africa brought part of their religions and rituals and white people never took it seriously. 

I read up on it a bit and I think it’s a mix of both. Of course, slaves brought over their own religions to the New World. The slave owner could ship the body, but not the mind of every person they kidnapped and sold. But, the idea that Africans had these weird, funny beliefs wasn’t true. Still, there was a lot of mysticism and belief in the supernatural in the South, particularly in the Creole communities. She knew a lot about this, too. 

I thought it was cool, but I want to fall asleep early. My flight is so, so early. I have to get up and go back to NEW YORK!!! I can’t wait. Tanner is going to come to visit me, I think he’s going to surprise me! 

____

I woke up late because I was so tired and I ran into the cab and I stormed off to the airport. I think the cab was going so fast that there was a big puff of black smoke behind us. I wanted to read in the cab, but I had trouble focusing. I was so tired. I didn’t even get a chance to look in a mirror or my camera. I got to the airport late but got on my flight just in time. The guy sitting next to me looked at me really weird. I thought he recognized me or something, but he was really old, so it would be weird if he did. We arrived and I went to the bathroom and I looked in the mirror and my eyes looked like they had fallen into my head. They were even yellow. My skin all over looked yellow, especially the palms of my hands. 

____

It’s not very fun to write anymore and I don’t want to model. I don’t have a lot of fun hanging out with the girls anymore, I don’t know why. My stomach hurts, but in a weird way. It’s like it’s not in my body and I’m experiencing the pain from outside of it. I can’t stop gnashing my teeth. I don’t want to go to photoshoots anymore. Tanner came and went but we just laid in bed together. He made me soup and I ate it but I didn’t want to say it tasted like nothing, that water had more flavour. I think crying takes up too much energy. So does reading, even. Even scrolling on TikTok is sooo tiring. Everything makes me tired, only laying with my eyes closed doesn’t. It’s like I’m almost dead. 

____

It’s like I am dancing with nothingness recently, that I am lying by a large door I cannot really see because it’s so dark, but I know it’s an exit door. I have been awake and asleep at the same time for a long time now. I don’t know where my mom is. I think the girls I live with come in to bring me food and I eat it, but I’m not sure. I don’t know how my brain thinks anymore, it’s too much to think, language doesn’t even make sense a lot of the time. It feels like I’m being wiped clean, like my conscious is in the preparation phase of bringing me into a new body. I think I’m sick. I’m too tired to be worried about dying.

____

The hospital. The IVs. The images of my insides. But everything looked ok. I don’t really know who I am anymore. I don’t think I have a personality. They said I’m very thin. I don’t know what thin means. 

It would be nice to have memories in full again, something to go to besides the emptiness. It would be nice to have memories of animals, especially. I think I know what dogs are. The smile and energy they bring, and I think I remember good and simple things. Good and simple is good. I think that’s all I wanted. I guess I don’t know what wanting means. 

____

I suppose I will stop existing soon. That has to be the next stop. I don’t have much energy to write anymore, I don’t really even have the energy to exist. The people who know, whoever they are, told me that the. I can’t remember what I was going to say. 

I think my mom is here. I don’t want to go back home. I like New York. I don’t want more quiet on the outside when the quiet on the inside is so much space. 

____

I finally had a memory come back to me. I am four and I am learning to brush my own hair in front of a play mirror. It’s small, but so am I. I’m having a lot of fun by myself and I’m talking to myself - not like an interview, but as if there was another me to be my friend. The moment wasn’t special - I think you might think that, but it wasn’t. It was just another moment in time that exists only because I witnessed it. 

____

Miranda, Julia and Gemma lived with Beatrice from January, right after New Years, until November. She had just turned 16 when she passed away, but it was like she didn’t know it. She had worked as a model for the last year of her life and had a rip-roaring year as a model. We were all quietly jealous of her at first, but she was so kind, the jealousy was washed away with admiration. We loved her. She was the walking proof that beauty on the outside becomes beauty on the inside. 

We all feel very guilty we didn’t call the hospital earlier. We thought she was tired from work. She had been working so much. The doctors are insistent that she must have been using some kind of narcotics which made her liver shut down - she didn’t even like to drink. She couldn’t smoke without coughing. 

We will miss her forever. She told us about a New Orleans style funeral she had visited that she really liked because it felt like a celebration of life more than a mourning of death. It’s hard for us to accept this and celebrate something so short - but we’re trying. Today, we’ve been listening to a lot of NOLA funeral march music, just for her, but our favorite song, the one attached, was her favorite, as well.